On Vulnerability
Painting by Alex Grey
I've often worried that I might lose something of myself in being vulnerable. That by sharing too much I might be found out. Maybe rejected. I remember reading Robert Johnson talk about “not giving your gold away,” not bringing internal, private things into the light too quickly. But it took me some time to realize he didn't mean not to share them at all, he was just saying not too fast, not before they're ready, and maybe not everything. How do you know when you're ready? I certainly didn't. So there have been so many things I've never shared, or shared very little. And I clamped down on a certain kind of vulnerability, staying tightly wound. I hid a certain kind of depth, certain behaviors, certain interests. Spirituality. I came across as a pragmatist. So, how do I go about unwinding all those layers I wrapped myself in to create a barrier, a contained and secret vessel? Don't get me wrong, I don't think I have to share everything or even that I should. But I do believe in being true. True to who I am, honest in my expression.
Once I picked up a frog, to move it from the middle of a parking lot, and it made the sweetest sound, so sweet that my eyes teared up and I wanted to cry. And, another night, my heart felt crushed when it was raining and so many frogs were flattened in the road and so many more were hopping, trying to cross. And one time, a young mom and dad came into Twin Wolves with their baby and used the sauna, switching off going in while the other watched the baby and they laughed through the sauna window, and they were so happy, having such a good time, that I cried when talking about it later. And the only time I really yell at my goats is when they threaten my pup Pinto Bean...or when they eat the tulips.
What I'm saying with this is, I'm sensitive. It is not hard for me to cry. And I hid that for so long behind rage and indifference. And now I don't. Now people don't consider me “an angry person,” that feels like a real accomplishment to me. I am still here, working on expressing what feels true, holding to myself what feels necessary, and breaking down false behaviors that I used as protection - to be who I really am. To give the gift of vulnerability, welcoming the same in return.